A MEMORIAL FOR MY LOST FAT
I have an intruder in my head. I used to get very focused on what its voice was telling me, diving into a spiral that would take me right down to self-loathing, depression, and madness. In those moments, I would punish my fat by not eating or binge-eating, purging, exercising obsessively, drinking alcohol compulsively, using drugs, and other self-threatening behaviors; that scared the hell out of my parents at first, my friends, later, and ultimately, myself.
Years had passed and I realized that something was very wrong. I noticed the consequences of my choices. Most of all, I was surprised at how I managed to keep this a secret from everybody around me. How many of my close friends or my family could be in a similar situation? How many of us are keeping our pains secret? I want to speak out.
Then I started dreaming about making a performance about how empowered and over it, I am now. I wanted to talk about unconditional self-love and body positivity…
But I don’t want to perform body allyship.
So, I figured that first, I needed to make a ritual to redeem my fat. To get rid of the emotional consequences of all the crazy diets I’ve done, the starving methods I invented, the homemade girdles I’ve used, and the health threats I put myself into, I needed to wash away my sins… so to speak. I want to befriend my fat and ask it for forgiveness.
This is my tribute to my lost fat.
Artistic direction, choreography, and texts: Mercedes Balarezo
Artistic companionship: varialambo
Costume: Mane Silva
Mask: Johnny Simbaña
Hosting, sound, and assistance: Georgie Goater
Lighting Design: Cristian Mendel
Soundscape: Mercedes Balarezo
Music: Lady Bri, Kwizma and Mozart
Special thanks to Antti Seitamaa for always holding me up.
This production is possible due to the generous support of the Niilo Helander Foundation & Theatre Circus Maximus